Saturday, 29 August 2009

Arrange Marriage : 7 Mistakes you can do!!

First of all I want to share something with you which pushed me to start a blog and share my views with world . This happened with one my friend . I prevented a wrong marriage and a divorce.

One of my friend got marriage proposal from a family of different religion (Boy side) . Boy side was assuming that girl will follow their religion if girl's family accept their proposal . whereas girl was not at all ready for accepting that religion !!!!,
She was confident that boy found her very compatible , so boy family is not bothering which religion she would follow after marriage.  Thus she was ready for that proposal because boy was from a reputed institute , looking good , earning handsome money in big MNC.

Girl's parent were more than happy because they got a very good proposal without any dowry or demand. Parents thought that girl is also happy so they said yes for this relationship. 

No Body discussed about Religion and they got engaged  ... 
Both families were progressive   :)

Interesting thing happened when girl discussed all this with me that she was engaged to a boy . I just asked one thing what religion her child will follow ??   She discussed this question with her fiance and broke her marriage with the guy, because after discussing this she came to know the expectations of boy and his family .

95% happiness in your life depends on your partner. If he /she is right person FOR YOU (Western context) and compatible with your family (Indian context ) with you you will be happy otherwise you can imagine.

So guys and gals , congrats your parents are putting pressure on you to get marry and settle down. Very well , I hope some of you are waiting for this initiative of parents Eagerly !!. Great everybody on this earth has right to find a companion for life.

But marriage in India is far complicated issue than just finding a mating partner who can share your happiness and sorrows. In western countries marriage is very personal issue and resolves with a good partner who is having good chemistry with you. DOT. In India or south Asian sub continent , It is not just a personal matter , specially in India It is association of two families .

You are going for arrange marriage means you trust your parents that they will find best bride/groom for you.

It also implies that your parents know your preferences VERY WELL , your likes , dislikes , your moral values ( :) ) etc etc. In all their is no communication gap between you and your parent.
Bigggg Assumption!! Right . If you have such a great chemistry between you and your parents than it is good for you . But if you  think exactly opposite of your parents,  Than it would be a tough call for you to accept someone selected by your parents.
Now discuss possible mistakes one by one in detail, the most common problem I have already covered , but we will go through that again to explain other points .

Mistake 1. Bride is uncompilable with your parents.

Good chemistry of your bride with you and your parents (Even your parent will ignore this aspect of selection ).

Though now a days parents has started saying that "Ultimately it is your life you choose your life partner , whom you are comfortable with." But things are not so simple dude.

If you care about your parents and thinking about their old age problems then certainly you will have to have a bride/groom who is sensible and caring enough to take care of your parents (your expectation here is something like "Ours parents").

Having chemistry with you is just good enough to make your life happy but it may shatter your dreams of making your parents happy in their old age if your wife is incompatible with your parents.

Generally boys do take care of their old age in-laws without any complains but a girl who is not having good relationship with your parents will not entertain your request to take care of your parents.

She will simply create some drama , headache , back ache and many more things and really telling you , she will shrewdly earn your trust so much that you will never notice that her health problem are associated with your parents arrival , departure and your parents health. Just like relationship of  waning and waxing moon  with high /  low tide in sea.

Mistake 2. Didn't get time to meet her/him properly.

This is the another problem in arrange marriages , in typical non-metro families it is still difficult to meet a girl/boy properly before marriage. Basic problem is the same orthodox mind set of middle class families.

Most of the time girl and boy meets in a girl's house where she sits in proper make up and covering up her all negative points . Experienced parents and relatives guide the girl to cover up anything negative she has. Though most of the girls don't like to cover up their negatives but elders forces her to behave in proper way to cover up.

If you are very particular about some quality in a girl/boy  which absence could turn out as your life term disappointment, then make sure your partner has it or not. It might be difficult to find out  and investigate but it is better to put effort right before getting marry instead of putting effort in divorce and re-marriage.
Have patience your best partner will meet soon,don't move in haste.

Mistake 3 : Ignoring existence of minimum basic qualities in your partner.

It may sound ridiculous for many of you , but in fact such things exists. Just think camly and you will come to know that these things exist for you too.

There are essential qualities ( Physically and Mentally ) which you want in your partner and you can not compromise at any cost  , you just need to realize it.   Many boys/girls do this mistake and spoils spouse life by divorcing her/him or expressing frustration in another way.
Though generally  every person has some virtues which compliment his negatives, but to find and appreciate those virtues , one must has patience for  2-3 years.  However fast moving life and career give little time to understand the each other , now a days every many persons rushing for divorce within 1-2 years of marriage. 

I saw many real life cases in which boys/girls were not sure about their minimum essential requirement in a girl/boy , and immediately after the  marriage they proceeded for break up and then  divorce . They made his/her own life and spouse life miserable.

So think properly , if you have any criteria like this.

Mistake 4 :  You overestimate yourself what you can adjust after marriage (specially for girls) YOU ARE NOT A GOD

 You are thinking that you can adjust few of the negatives in your partner (whereas you can't tolerate in long term or short-term) .

Many times you assume that you can adjust each and every thing you will be thrown at. Whereas it is not a fact . For some very basic things you can adjust but you can't adjust every thing in long term , generally it happens with girls .

Girls are taught from their childhood they have to adjust so girls can't imagine that even they have their limit of adjustments after that either they have to run away , divorce or suicide .

With girls it become worse because every thing is related to girls parent culture , teaching , brought up ,respect , "khandan ki izzat" and blah blah , so girls tries their best to keep mum and bear each and every thing beyond their physical and mental limit .

Some day her parents find that their daughter is no more in this world and they blame on boy's family whereas fact is the biggest mistake was done by girl's parent. first not knowing her daughter , second imposing on her daughter that divorcing will spoil their reputation ,third not finding right in-laws and right husband for her and finally that Beta , "you should keep everything in your family , being silent is sign of a good bride".

Mistake 6. Expectation that your partner will adjust with you on certain issues. EGO ,EGO , EGO

Expecting that your partner will adjust a few issues you have with your behavior after marriage .

Above two assumptions may prove deadly sins , These assumptions are surfaced by EGO , on your personality ,your wealth , your job . Or it might  be EGO of parents that bride has to adjust because my son is IITian and CEO of a company or my daughter is earning more than boy or more beautiful .
I have already gave you example.

Thumb rule : Don't nurture ANY assumption that your partner will adjust your particular negatives because you are best in some areas . Believe me this is the one major reason which leads to most of the divorce cases. DON'T ASSUME any thing .
ASSUME =  ASS    U  and ME .

Now a days every boy and girls thinks very differently after passing out from college. Their parents can see this change very clearly. If you are a parent and going to impose your culture and your priorities while finding a groom or bride for son/daughter then certainly there are chances that you mess up the things for your children.

Mistake 6. Ensure you get correct horoscope of boy or girl if you believe in horoscope matching , many families manipulate horoscope (giving the details which are most suitable with another horoscope details)  to hide son/daughter Manglik dosh or to make it suitable with horoscope under consideration.

Mistake 7. Do it fast . 
circumstances come and your family pushing you for finalizing your partner.
Your younger siblings waiting for  marriage , parents retirement is coming  , going for another transfer , going back to job  , NRI groom.

Many times parents of tainted boys/girls show off that they have many good proposals for waiting , decide fast or we will go to another one.
 So pressurized with circumstances parents just want to finish their responsibilities SOMEHOW and ASAP. Leaving future of son/daughter in the hand of GOD after marriage  parents get relaxed.  Now in such cases if you are a girl , you would be asked to tolerate and to wait .

If destiny is so strong then better to leave your decision of your marriage on destiny . Don't marry a  ASSHOLE  make your life miserable and then every thing on destiny. Right ???

Here is a quick astrological guide to find out major negatives in your partner.

Sun Sign Warnings :

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20) : (Violent , Stingy , difficult to please, in one word very difficult to live with for a cheerful easy-go-lucky person, Virgo might handle them )

Do not expect a Capricorn mate to open his/her heart and pour everything to you. They are very secretive and reserved people. They are very thorough in all their affairs and hate any kind of sloppiness. People born under this zodiac are very tight-fisted and economical. Do not expect lavish gifts from them and if they do give you any gift (that is very rare) it will have some practical use (no romance please) but that does not mean you will be deprived of anything; on the contrary you will be well provided.

Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 21) (Unpredictable )

Do not expect or plan a normal, simple and predictable life with an Aquarius partner. Aquarians are totally unpredictable. They can go to any direction without giving any advance notice. They are basically very restless and get bored easily. Though they are very friendly, do not expect them to reveal their inner most feelings to you (they never will). They can be detached and impersonal, which may seem strange to others.

Pisces (Feb 22 - Mar 21) ( Mostly Failure or somehow manage to live on earth )

Pisces are dreamers and you should not expect them to have worldly ambitions. They are not materialistic in nature. It is not that they like living below the poverty line but they have no earnest desire to accumulate wealth. They are very sensitive and you have to be always careful about their feelings. The fishes are capable of drowning you in their tears (even men born under this sign)

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19) : (Short Tempered and Selfish)

Do not tell an Aries that s/he may be wrong. Any such statement may stir a storm in a teacup. Aries are very faithful and passionate lovers. Do not give air to the smouldering fire within them by making them jealous. No flirtation or fooling around with others in their presence unless of course you wish to write your death wish (you will be granted!).

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20) : (Stubborn , liars & selfish)

Taureans do not loose their temper easily in fact you may spend the whole life with them and still no spark) but you should not push your luck too much. Being unreasonable or aggressive with them may get you into trouble. Do not press him/her into a corner, and if you do, be prepared for a violent rage. Taurus is capable of violent outbursts though such an event is very rare occasions. They can be suffocating when they are possessive about you.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21) (Frustrating , with weirdo kind of thinking)

Gemini's like to do many things at the same time, so if unfortunately you are the type who is looking for stability you may get disappointed. Do not hold back a Gemini or you may lose him/her, as they are restless and need change in life constantly. You should try to adopt yourself with the ever-changing Gemini. Orthodox or conservative old fashion ideas are no-no in their dictionary. Change with the ever-changing Gemini and do not flow against the current.

Cancer (Jun 22 - July 22) : (Sometimes Very violent & extremely generous)

Cancerians are very sensitive people and can get easily hurt. So do not play with their emotions and sentiments. They are like tides that can sweep you along. They form emotional bonds with even inanimate things, so do not ask them to discard old caps or souvenirs. Such things hold special meaning to them. You have to realize that the crabs have a soft heart and are vulnerable. Do not contradict their tested line of thought and action it would only lead to confusion.

Leo (July 22 - Aug 23) (Violent and angry , extravagant)

Never ever hurt the ego of a Leo. Pride, ego and vanity are some of the bags Leo's always carry with them. Do not touch these bags. An authoritative Leo is even more difficult to handle in such circumstances. Leo is a sunny sign so they do not like people who are gloomy or depressed. Even if you are crying at heart keep a sunny smile on your lips and then let the lion take charge and remove all worries from your life.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) (No romance ,extremely critical)

Do not push a Virgo into limelight or on the centre stage unless of course they do so on their own. They are shy and reserved by nature and do not like to be the cynosure of all eyes. Virgo's have secrets that they would not like to bring out in the open. So, even if you have the key to their secret skeleton-closet, hide it; do not even admit that you know anything about it. Virgo, the virgins, do not want to tarnish their public image.

Libra (Sep 22 - Oct 23) (Flirt)

Libra is kind and gentle soul but very argumentative. Hence, do not start an argument or discussion unless, of course, you are free and do not know how to pass your time. They hate to lose and most probably during an argument may change sides too (remember scales can tilt) and still continue arguing from the other side. Do not push your Libra partner into making decisions. They will keep weighing pros and cons and may still not be able to come to any decision. Have patience!

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21) (Deadly emotional & possessive)

Scorpio's are very passionate and intense but they are also fiercely possessive and would like to possess your mind, body and soul. Do not let seeds of jealousy grow in them because then you may have to suffer agonies of jealousy and discontentment in life. Scorpio's have explosive tempers be careful how you handle them. They never let anyone know what is going on in their mind till they strike and you may be caught unaware. Do not flirt around in the presence of your Scorpio lover.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) (Stingy & fiercely independent)

Sagittarius is fiercely independent and cannot tolerate restriction. Hence, do not try to hold them back in life. Let them enjoy their freedom because if you hold any special place in their heart they will always come back for you. Do not feel irritated by the exaggeration in their speech. They may go on and on, talking about certain things that may not even interest you, but it’s their way of trying to communicate with you. They are basically frank and outspoken (to the point of being rude), so do not feel offended by their talks.

You will be noticed that I didn't put positive for any signs, because marriage is ultimately adjustment or two family and two souls .

Always remember 95% happiness = right life partner.

Divorce is there but for worst case only and getting married after divorce is big headache for boys as well as for girls.

Girls and boys should clearly communicate their choice and preferences to parents (specially if find that your father or mother from a alien planet) .

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